THUMP THUMP THUMP.

My heart pounds hard and fast as I gasp for breath, my body shakes violently causing all of my muscles to cramp and ache.

Maybe I had it wrong, all this time I have said that the medication isn’t working, was my depression just getting worse and worse all along? Now I have to start all over again.

I can’t calm down. For the first time the last strand of reality that I have held onto finally snapped under the strain.

THUMP THUMP THUMP.

I’m dying. This is it.

THUMP THUMP THUMP.

For all of this time I’ve wanted to escape myself. For all of this time home has kept me safe, my comfort blanket when everything heightened my anxiety.

Home is gone, I don’t feel safe there anymore. This has come at the worst possible time and I can’t cope.

THUMP THUMP THUMP.

We call the emergency doctor after being told by my therapist that if I don’t calm down they will be able to prescribe me something. Anything. I can’t do this anymore.

THUMP THUMP THUMP.

The doctor tells me to do some online CBT to learn how to control my panic. I breathlessly try to explain that I can’t, I can’t move, I can’t breathe. I’ve gone beyond deep breaths and calming thoughts.

THUMP THUMP THUMP.

Once again I am half carried half bundled into the car to be taken away, back to my parents, back where I can calm down.

THUMP THUMP THUMP.

Day four of new medication and it’s messing with my head. I’m not rational anymore. I’m panicked and paranoid and detached.

The husband is going to leave me, Beans won’t remember me. Worst of all, I don’t even care. I can’t even bring myself to call home, the guilt and the paranoia and the fear of everything has made me mute.

THUMP THUMP THUMP.

I can’t eat. I force myself to drink. My parents drift in and out begging me to have some food, their faces contorted with worry.

I can’t move.