I am having a bad time of it right now and that results in me being pretty useless. I can’t read or write properly (because my concentration is shot, not because I have regressed) and I can’t think straight. But I don’t want to run away and hide…Ok, I do want to run away and hide, but I’m not going to. Not just yet anyway.

So this calls for light-hearted posts full of meaningless drivel. Hurrah!

As I lay in bed unable to sleep last night I started thinking about the things that have changed since Boo came along. Not the big obvious things or the sweet sentimental things; the random little things that you don’t really think about. Here’s what I came up with…

* My feet are smaller. This is odd, I thought everything was supposed to get bigger? As I was the not so proud owner of a pair of big man feet (size 8s) I am pretty pleased to have gone down to a 6. Baffled but pleased.

* Nothing on this earth tastes better than a hot mug of tea. I think this is due to being pinned to the sofa for the first 14 days of Boos life, mug of tea just out of reach. My love has only grown stronger.

* I have loads of new beauty spots on my torso. But only on the left. Weird.

* I can spend all day doing nothing but staring at Boo. She’s pretty transfixing and hours can go by without me realising. Except for…

* The hours between 4pm and 6pm are the longest hours of the day. They drag and drag and at 6pm on the dot both me and Boo can be found grumpy, whinging and ready for the day to be over.

* Farts are funny again. Especially the ones that come after poking Boo in the tummy.

* It is physically possible to go without sleep for 48 hours without the need for alcohol and loud music. Not quite as fun maybe, but possible.

* There is an as yet scientifically undiscovered area in the brain that stores nursery rhymes. It is only fired up by a particularly moody, clingy child in a bid to distract them when nothing else works. If you asked me to recite any old nursery rhyme right now I couldn’t do it, pass me a cranky kid and I’m a fountain of all rhyming knowledge.

* Throwing and catching another human being is fun.

* I like being able to go on roundabouts/swings/slides without being evil eyed by legitimate playground users. My baby is my ticket to all the best parks. And my excuse to be silly.

* My hair grows quicker than it ever has. This is a very good thing seeing as I deeply regret getting it all chopped off.

* I have lost all understanding of and ability to ‘buy a treat for me’. I always buy stuff  for Boo. I do then complain that I never have anything for myself mind you, but that’s not the point.

* It is possible to shower in under one minute.

* It is possible to bake a cake while being used as a human climbing frame. And…

* My boobs may be small but they make fantastic climbing aids for little people.

* When I meet someone new, poo is usually the main topic of conversation following introductions. And it’s socially acceptable.

* The husband must feel that since becoming parents we have a deeper connection and have become closer. I wish I could say I know this because of something lovely but unfortunately I know this because he wees with the bathroom door open. While talking to me. I’m not sure I like this new display of closeness.

* I used to be really shy but I love when people stop me in the street to chat because of Boo. Unless they are interfering or rude, obviously. I just wish they weren’t all 80 year old women and just one could be a mum with a baby too.

* Hips aren’t just for wiggling at nice boys. They are possibly one of the best inbuilt, take them everywhere, must have seat for lumps of children who protest at being put in their prams.

* 6am is as shit now as it ever was. Yes, it’s nice to be grinned at like you’re the best thing in the world first thing in the morning but yes, I still want to be asleep in bed.

* Needing a wee no longer exists in my world. I either don’t, or it’s a case of ohmygodiamgoingtoweeeeeemyselfifidontgettoatoiletinfiveseconds. This is odd and also quite inconvenient. I miss the days of painfully dying for a wee. Now I go from naught to busting in less than one second. Usually just before the lie detector results on Jeremy Kyle or the duffduffs on Eastenders. This is possibly related to my next point…

* My vagina is broken. Do not go there.