I can’t not write this I’m afraid, but what I can do is promise with hand on heart and right hand raised to my head in the Brownie salute that I’ll be honest about it.
You see, it’s the MAD awards time of year again. The time when the parent blogging world whips itself up into a frenzy of voting and wanting to be voted for and talking about voting and thinking about voting and wondering if anyone has voted for you.
I can’t not ask you nicely *flutters eyelashes* to consider voting for me, I’m far too competitive and this blog means far too much to me. The thing is, the categories have changed and I’m having enough trouble trying to squeeze all of my favourites into my nomination hit list, never mind categorising myself.
Why do I want to win…? Honestly, because I am proud of myself for the first time in a very long time and although this blog doesn’t drip with the copious bounty of traffic that some do I’ve worked hard, I still work hard.
I want to go to the award ceremony again, only this time as myself. I want to be off medication and free of everything and I want to go and take the husband and the Bean and have a night away and spend an evening surrounded by amazing bloggers and lovely people and eat and drink and feel like maybe, just maybe, I deserve to be there in some way.
I want to feel the stomach churning, heart fluttering rush at seeing my name among the list of finalists.
I want exactly the same as we all do, recognition for all of this.
I work hard at it, I really do. I force myself be totally open and honest and real. I make myself write the things that I don’t want to and that in turn has made me do the things that I haven’t wanted to.
I took Beans to toddler group, totally alone, for the first time ever this week. It might sound menial or boring or just dully normal but for me it is huge. Beyond huge. Had I not had the space to write and the support when I did it wouldn’t have been as easy.
You see, I really do credit having this space as a huge, massive part of my recovery, which although ongoing has been spurred and encouraged and 100% aided by everything I’ve written and all of you who have read.
I can’t even begin to put it into words but really truly all of this has saved me. When I was so ill that I couldn’t even bare to talk I wrote and you read and wrote back and I read and slowly little pinpricks of light were poked through the heavy curtain of darkness that cloaked everything and things started to get easier, better.
There is so, so much that simply couldn’t or wouldn’t have happened without this blog and honestly that in itself is recognition and praise and support. And I’m not talking freebies or perks but friendship and help and support and love.
But it would really, really mean the world to me if I was nominated for a MAD award. God that sounds superficial doesn’t it?
Sometimes I am proud of my writing or my ideas. Sometimes. Mostly I am proud to be a part of this community and proud of what it has given me. When I signed up and logged on and wrote some words for the very first time I had no idea and I was in a bad place with this tiny baby I had no idea what to do with or how to feel about. Now I can fiddle with CSS and most importantly I have a very nearly two year old who I love so much I could very nearly eat her all up. I tell her I love her every day. I hold her hand and wipe her nose and she is mine and I couldn’t be happier about it.
I want to stand up and say yeah, I have come this far and made it through all of this and I am alive and I am a mummy and it really is all because of you.
And if none of that does it for you, I can promise to wear some glorious handmade crocheted
monstrosity creation if I make it to the ceremony. Really. I’d do that for you.
Click here to nominate…and then come here so I can give you a squeeze.