Home after nearly two weeks away and trying to feel positive after my appointment with the mental health team I find myself desperately wondering how to deal with this.
Back home again and I make myself a much deserved cup of tea. As hard as it is to be here I try to keep myself positive with the good feelings of coming back. Home is my comfort blanket, where I feel most secure.
In the five years that we have been together me and the husband have lived in four different places across two different counties, this is the first house that has truly become home. I wallpapered the front room with indulgent Cath Kidston wallpaper when I was eight months pregnant, a treat with some money we had after getting married the previous summer.
I gave birth here, this will always be the house where I had my baby.
I’ve spent months framing and hanging pictures and photos, decorating Beans room to make it nice for her – I do love this place and reminding myself makes me feel a bit better about being back.
I sat on the sofa with the husband and filled him in on all that was said at my appointment. Once I had been over everything and explained things as best as I could he looked up and said ‘I’m sorry’.
‘No, I’m sorry. This is all so horrible and it’s all because of me.’
He couldn’t meet my eye. ‘No, it’s ok. None of this is your fault. I’m sorry because of something else.’
My head falls into my hands as I ask ‘what’s happened?’
Our landlord is selling the house. Not in weeks or months, our first viewing is on Saturday.
Evenings are now filled with frantic what are we going to do discussions. Do we urgently try to get a mortgage, speak to our landlord and ask him to wait while we sort it out on the promise that we will buy this house from him in a couple of months? Do we get tied up in renting again, rendering us unable to save and run the risk of the situation repeating itself?
The likelihood is that come the end of May we will have nowhere to go, no savings, no security.
Right now this is the last thing that I can cope with. On top of everything else, what do I do?