Farce

INT – LOUNGE – EARLY MORNING

[A woman sits on a sofa wrapped in two blankets. The steam from a hot mug on tea of the table next to her swirls in the dawn light that seeps through the gap in the curtains. She shifts in her seat slightly and opens the laptop laid across her legs.]

NARRATOR – CLARA – SPOKEN WHILE TYPING

While my body seems to be slowly giving up on me – it’s day 30 of illness as I write this – my mind is a flurry of activity, ideas that I can’t keep up with and sinuses that I can’t breathe though.

[She pauses to take a sip of tea]

So while there are (hopefully) interesting things to come, photos and crafty things and posts and stuff, for now things are merely ticking over. Aside from the days where I force my ailing limbs into mild activity it has been a pretty quiet start to the new year here.

But writing about my current sneeze per hour record (18) or just how bad teething in those final four back molars can be (although we have one and a half through now) just isn’t doing it for me. Instead, I leave you with an insight to just some of the scintillating conversations that take place right here in our humble home.

CAMERA PANS OUT.

FADE TO KITCHEN – MID MORNING

[Beans drives two toy cars up and down the back door. Clara stands at the sink slowly working her way through the mountain of washing up. The husband, sat on the sofa in the lounge, shouts though]
THE HUSBAND
There’s one of those things in the fridge.

CLARA
Hmm?

THE HUSBAND
Y’know. That vegetable. I think it’s a vegetable. Does Mr Bloom have vegetables?

CLARA
[exasperated]
Yes. Mr Bloom has vegetables.

BEANS
[dropping one car and turning around]
Bwoom! Bwoom!
[singing]
Lalalalalalala.

THE HUSBAND
Well there’s one of those in there.

CLARA
[retrieving the orange plastic car from behind the oven]
A vegetable or specifically one of Mr Blooms vegetables?

BEANS
[singing]
Lalalalalalalala.

THE HUSBAND
One like one he has.

CLARA
[back at the sink, fishing bits of old food out of the plug hole]
Are you talking about the butternut squash?

THE HUSBAND
I don’t know. Does Mr Bloom have one of those?

CLARA
Yes.

THE HUSBAND
Then yes. That

***

CUT TO LOUNGE – AFTERNOON

BEANS
[walks across room dragging doll by one arm]
Stinky bum!

CLARA
Do you need your nappy changing?

BEANS
[firmly]
Yuh.

CLARA
Come on then, let me check.

BEANS
[firmly]
No.

CLARA
Yes, we need to change your nappy.

BEANS
No…No no no.

CLARA
[standing and preparing to make chase]
Please!

BEANS
No!

[Beans giggles and runs to far side of the room. She stops, lays down on the floor and starts to fake snore. Loudly]
***
CUT TO BEDROOM – MORNING

CLARA
Shall we get you dressed?

BEANS
Cloves!

CLARA
[sorting clean washing into piles]
Yes, we need to find you some clothes.

BEANS
[diving into washing pile and throwing clothes high into the air]
Me top. Me dressed. Top.

[Beans walks to bed and proudly proffers pair of the Husbands boxer shorts]

Me top. Dressed. Cloves!

CLARA
Well…

***

CUT TO KITCHEN – MID AFTERNOON

THE HUSBAND
What do you do with a butternut squash anyway?

***

CUT TO LOUNGE – EARLY AFTERNOON (NAP TIME)

[Clara looks pleadingly at the husband. She flutters her eyelashes]

THE HUSBAND
[tense]
You want a tea?

CLARA
[innocently]
Oh yes please. That would be lovely.

THE HUSBAND
[Begrudgingly]
Fine.

CLARA
Thank you. I love you.

THE HUSBAND
Where’s your mug?

[Clara points at the husband and raises eyebrows. The husband mutters and exits to the kitchen]

THE HUSBAND
[shouting from kitchen]
I’m dipping my balls in your tea you know.

***

CUT TO LOUNGE – EARLY EVENING

[Clara and Beans sit on the floor surrounded by toys and mess. Clara yawns and checks the clock again to see if it's bedtime yet]

BEANS
[picking up her shopping bag as she rises to her feet]
Mama? Shop!

CLARA
Are you going to the shop? Could you bring mummy a strawberry please?

BEANS
[slipping bag onto her arm]
Yuh.

CLARA
[waving]
Ok, bye bye. I’ll miss you! Love you.

BEANS
Bye bye, see you soon.

[Beans walks several laps around the room, swinging her bag]

BEANS
[turning to Clara. Excitedly]
Hello!

CLARA
[Excitedly]
Hello! You’re back!

BEANS
Back shop. Cuddles?

[Clara and Beans hug]
CLARA
It’s so nice to see you!

BEANS
[pulls away from hug and riffles through shopping bag before pulling out a small plastic strawberry]
Mama sawberry!

CLARA
[Excitedly]
Thank you!

[Repeat times infinity until bedtime]
***

CUT TO LOUNGE – LATE EVENING

[Clara lays with her feet up across the Husbands lap]

THE HUSBAND
We should stop giving her pudding.

CLARA
[Dismissively]
Oh we can’t do that! It’s just a phase. She’ll eat.

THE HUSBAND
[Animated]
Would you eat your tea if you knew you were getting an amazing pudding?

CLARA
It would depend what’s for tea.

THE HUSBAND
[Smugly, thinking he's scored the conversation winner]
Robbie Williams is for pudding. Would you still eat your tea?

CLARA
[Firmly]
What’s for tea?

CLARA
Wait, and could I eat it off Robbies naked torso?

[The husband pushes Claras legs off his lap and sighs]

***