It’s been a while, huh?
My head is full of words that want to tumble from my mind and trip down my fingers to right here for you to see and read…But the words aren’t cooperating. The bastards.
There is so much that I haven’t transferred from my head to 12pt type and things are pretty muddled up in there right now because of that. Because the longer the words stagnate the more they refuse to budge and ugh.
There’s a lot to say; mental hospitals and doctors and nurses and nurseries and choices and therapy and thoughts…
However, I am known for my likings of tangents so right now I’m going for that.
It is becoming clearer to me that I may have slightly perfectionist traits and, it turns out, these can be pretty shitty when used against yourself because I want to be perfect and to be the perfect mother but woah, she doesn’t exist anywhere but inside my head because I am insane. So I’ll never live up to that accolade. Another loosely related quirk of mine is my absolute self castigation tendencies. Y’know, I’m shit and everything I do is shit and oh, what’s the point?
Regardless of where these things have come from of whether they’re just part of me – oh my, therapy is honestly really quite interesting. In a painful kind of way – obviously they are things that I need to work on because, well, because they’re not healthy really are they?
With that in mind I am doing something that makes my teeth itch a bit. When I started blogging I didn’t have an issue with putting myself ‘out there’, exposed to the grammar Nazis and the spell checkers and the people who could write better in their sleep. Writing has never been something that I’ve felt too self concious about – I write it how I’d say it and that’s how I am so it’s just me chatting really. Or something.
I’ve always been crazy weird about my drawing though. Even doodles feel more revealing, more personal, than a diary (or a blog) ever could. I don’t like that. I’ve been doodling a lot recently as a way of recording the little madcap toddler things that happen sometimes. It’s a good way to focus my mind into the fact that good things do happen to you Clara and you do have good times and it’s not all shit just because you feel shit right now. These are things that I generally don’t share here, my toddler said this loony thing today doesn’t seem to fit next to most of what I do write about.
As much as I want to hold the paper close to my chest until my knuckles turn white and while I snarl aggressively at anyone trying to take a peek I also kind of don’t. I want to feel the same way about everything as this blog has made me feel about writing, about depression and about so many things.
Who gives a fuck right?
Why should I care about what people do think or don’t think. That’s the liberating thing about the internet; anyone can stick anything on there and people might see it or they might not but it really doesn’t matter. What matters is that it’s out there and that gives me a release and helps me to let go. Y’know, of all the crazy.
Anyway, whatever, I’m going to be doodling every now and again over here. I’m just saying.
Back soon, promise.