Monthly Archives: December 2011

Where Do I Start? New Years Eve List Of Honours

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Do you want to know a secret? Something that makes me boring and cements my early onset middle age?

I don’t like new years eve.

There, I said it. Its boring and usually depressing. If you venture out to celebrate it is expensive and the one night of the year when you are guaranteed to be surrounded by total losers. Usually very drunk total losers at that.

You stand, packed like sardines, in a sweaty bar and the overcrowding means your fabulous shoes never the the respect or adoration they deserve. Everyone is waiting for the countdown to midnight…3-2-1 right, let’s go home shall we?

New years eve is overrated. Instead let me shower you with the wonderfulness that is my top blogs of 2011. Blogs that have made me laugh or cry, and blogs that you should bookmark for 2012 if you haven’t already.

There are so many truly brilliant blogs out there, I want to write about them all but if I did this post would go on until 2013…so I won’t.

Mammasaurus. Don’t believe the rumours but believe the hype. Funny, inspiring and all round good egg. Not only does she have a fantastic blog, she has also set up a network for all the newer blogs out there in Love All Blogs. My reader hasn’t been empty since.

SAHDAndProud. My favourite ‘daddy blogger’. He deserves a huge steaming pile of recognition and love in a mummy dominated world. His posts are always great reads, and he manages to be funny and heartbreaking all at once. He may have magic powers.

Mother Venting. This woman is hilarious. She can make anything funny, and I’m pretty sure she will do anything for a good biscuit.

DearBeautifulBoy. I love this blog. I love that it documents the lovely LittleMan growing up in a unique way. I’m also extremely jealous of the bedroom of my dreams.

MammyWoo. Possibly the best postnatal desperation blog, evah.

BishyBarnabee. We were both in love with the same boy at school. We sat together in French. Now we both have babies and blogs. A new blog well worth bookmarking.

DeskMonkeyMummy. Funny, not afraid to swear which can be an admirable trait.

Special mentions also to: CafeBebe, ActuallyMummy, FiveGoBlogging, LandOnMotherEarth, LoveInTheNest, HereComeTheGirls,
OrdinaryParent, MusoDad, cheetahsInMyShoes, ExpatBabyAdventures,
MinistryOfMum, Mum2BabyInsomniac, ButWhyMummyWhy, MotherGeek, MummyDaddyMe, jbmumofone, mummyvswork, theperfectbadmummy and YOU.

If I have missed you then please let me know, it’s hard to remember everyone when an 11 month old is slapping you in the face as you type.

Cheers!

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When I started blogging I didn’t have any goal or to be honest, clue what I was doing. I didn’t have anything particular to say. I didn’t have a plan or much of an idea about exactly what I wanted to achieve.

After a bit of time my blog became the one place that I could be me. It enabled me to be open and honest about how I was feeling and it gave me a place to put my thoughts down at a time when I desperately needed to.

Over the last six months it (you) provided me with support, understanding and friendliness that I have been in dire need of.

Admitting that you’re not happy following the birth of a baby isn’t easy. It’s a time where you’re expected to be happy, and thankfully the majority are. But it’s been good to know that I’m not alone.

Admitting that I have had times where I’ve felt like a terrible mother, worse still admitting that I’m not sure I love my baby took a huge amount of courage to put out there, but doing that has saved me.

From a personal perspective blogging has provided me access to a huge network of interesting, caring and generally wonderful people. I feel lucky to have found that.

I’m starting 2012 with a new name and a bit of a new look. I’m sad to see the old one go but it’s important to me that my blog reflects my life and can grow as things change.

Thank you all for everything; for the emails, tweets and for reading.

The End

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We’re hours away from 2012 and a new year always brings change doesn’t it?

I’ve decided it’s time for a bit of a blog overhaul. The content will stay the same, as will the design (for now) but so much has changed in the last six months and my blog needs to reflect that. I don’t like change at the best of times but Boo has outgrown Boo and Me.

Boo was a nickname when she was tiny, but we rarely use it now. I’m really sad to see it go but it marks the beginning of a new era.

Boo has become Beans and Boo and Me is now iwantmymummy.co.uk. You can find me on Twitter @wantmymummy and on Facebook at facebook.com/iwantmymummy

I hope you can stick around to see what next year has in store for us.

Happy new year, here’s to a fantastic one x

I’m So Sorry

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2011, the year that was. Part #3: PND

I’ve been looking back over the year, thinking about this post, and wondering just how 2011 has managed to be the best and the worst year of my life.

As I sit here, surrounded by foil wrappers from the last of the Christmas chocolate, wondering if anyone is going to put their stock of iPads down to £100 so I can have one, I realise that it has been just that.

For the sake of this post I have allowed myself to look back to the beginning. It’s not something I usually like to do because looking for rhyme or reason often leads me to a bad place. Also because I so desperately want to be able to remember Boos birth with nothing but happiness and a bit of nostalgia rather than a memory to be picked apart and not appreciated for what it was.

Did you cuddle your baby when he or she was just born? Did you do the thing that you always see in films and put your little finger out for your newborn to grasp while looking into its eyes and promising to love it forever and ever?

I didn’t. The memory I have of the first time that I held Boo is exactly what it feels like when someone tugs sharply on your umbilical cord to try to deliver your placenta. Then her eyes, I remember her eyes. They were huge, inquisitive and the deepest dark, inky blue. Beautiful.

Boo was born at 10:45am and I didn’t sit and hold her properly until about 3:30pm. That’s a long time to wait. I didn’t attend any anti-natal classes because they were over subscribed but I know about the importance of skin to skin and I can’t help but wonder wether our lack of cuddle time is what lead to my depression.

By the time Boo was eight weeks old I had sunk to a desperate low. I was avoiding being with her and I certainly made sure that I would never have to be alone with her. The husband was due to go back to work and all I wanted to do was cling to his ankles and sob that he couldn’t leave me.

I was a terrible mum. I didn’t know what to do, I was terrified, I was convinced that Boo didn’t love me and I wasn’t sure that I loved her. I got everything wrong and after years of wanting to be a mum I seriously wondered if I had made a huge mistake.

I nearly walked out. I nearly harmed myself. I nearly just stopped caring all together. But somewhere I found a tiny grain of strength and I fought.

It took me a while to understand that I was feeling so low because I was ill. I knew that I was depressed as I have suffered bouts from a young age, but I still didn’t believe that an illness could make me feel like I did. I didn’t love my baby, it was all my fault.

I started to read other peoples experiences and I realised that all those thoughts and feelings were the product of an illness, the culmination of dodgy chemicals and negative thought. Maybe I didn’t have the bond that I wanted, but I wasn’t a bad mum just because I thought I was.

Over the year I have battled. There have been highs and lows and ups and downs. But I’m starting to learn that it’s the good days that count, they’re the ones I need to savour.

Postnatal depression really has taken the year away from me. A whole twelve months I can never get back, a time when everyone expects me to be happier than I ever have been. It’s not been that easy.

Boo is 11 months old, and her birthday at the end of January will be bittersweet. My little girl has grown up so much and I missed a lot of it. I so desperately want to be her mummy, I have since the second she was born.

She is such a happy little girl, she was honestly smiling seconds after she was wrapped in a towel after birth. I can not explain how sorry I am that I haven’t been able to be the mother that she deserves for all this time.

I want her birthday, like I want 2012, to mark a new start. I want to put a full stop at the end of this year and pull all my strength and fighting spirit to the forefront, ready to do all I can to make things right.

Read about where it began and my year in blogging here.

Biscuit? Oops, Mind My Placenta.

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2011, the year that was. Part #2: Blogging.

So last January I had a baby. Thats a pretty big deal. Surely that excludes me from needing to do anything else of note for a whole year? Oh, 2011, that’s when I had a baby. Of course I didn’t do anything else. Have you ever made a whole human fall out of your body?! That shit gets me off all other duties until it starts school surely

But that’s not how it works is it? The fact that I would have put the kettle on and made a brew for all three midwives sat on my living room floor poking my placenta had no one else offered shows that. Giving birth is an amazing thing, really properly amazing. See that tiny little human there? I did that. Just now. I made it and then I popped it out. Biscuit? More tea?

I’m not sure I can remember what I thought at the time but I know that now I think that the world should have the courtesy stop spinning for a day or two to let you recover from the shock and the swollen labia that birth brings. No such luck. In fact the world spins faster than it ever has before, the bastard. It was over a week after the birth before I left the house for a walk, pale, blinking, terrified and walking like I had just dismounted from a rather large stallion. It felt like 5 seconds.

Time has flown since I looked into Boos eyes when she was only seconds old. She became my world, even when my days felt bleak and my mind told me she didn’t want me, everything revolved around her.

For some reason one day towards the end of June I started blogging. I have sat staring blankly at the computer screen trying to remember why; what was it that made me want to blog? I can’t come up with an answer, not even an excuse. Sorry.

Since having Boo, during late night (all night) feeds and while I spent my days sprawled on the sofa as she slept and I had no energy to move, I read blogs. Twitter opened up a whole new world to me and I became a bit of a stalker, lurking around on a few choice blogs finding laughs, empathy and some bloody good writers.

At the time I wasn’t comfortable in completely opening up to the husband about how I felt. I think somewhere in my head I knew that writing things down would be good for me. It is like therapy. When it’s 3am, cold and dark and it feels like the only people awake in the world are you and your newborn, writing a blog is like telling something to everyone and no one. I like that.

I like that I can write anything and anyone could read it. That’s sort of opening up and it’s extremely liberating. But I also like that no one might read it. A post could float around in cyberspace, all secret and shrouded in mystery until someone stumbles across it one day, or not. Someone reads, no one reads, it’s a much lazier version of marching to the top of a hill and screaming something absurd just because you can.

So I did, and I still do. Because, and here’s what they don’t tell you, it’s addictive. There are blog posts to be found everywhere. Suddenly the mundane becomes the interesting because you have thought of an angle and you can write about it. Feeling grumpy? Snubbed the husband all day but he hasn’t even had the decency to notice? Blog! It makes it all better.

Are there things that I wish I had done differently? Sure. I wish I had put more thought into the name for one thing. I wish I could go back over old posts and edit the hell out of them. I wish I had written more when I was having a really hard time.

If there is one thing that has surprised me most it has definitely been the community. There is a huge crowd of bloggers out there and most are really lovely people. I pinch myself sometimes to have been accepted into a massive circle populated by some of the nicest people and best writers there are.

Don’t tell anyone but I get a bit starstruck sometimes and I have been known to get a bit squeeeee if someone I admire a bit mentions me, comments on one of my posts or generally acknowledges my existence.

That community helped me when I decided to try to raise some money for charity in November. People helped me to spread the word, people helped by donating, it equated to over £500 raised in a few weeks. Now that is pretty incredible.

Whatever it was that made me start blogging, I am glad it came to me. It has helped me through so much that I honesty can’t imagine where I would be without it.

I’m recapping my year…Read part one right here.

Will Some One Please Look Under My Fridge?!

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2011, the year that was. Part #1: Birth.

The beginning of 2011 found me heavily pregnant, and if I’m honest, a bit of a bitch. It really was the hormones, honest.

Last winter was cold and I would painstakingly pick my way across an icy carpark focusing on reaching the door and making it to the check up with the midwife without slipping over and going into labour/humiliating myself. I was haunted by visions of upturned beetles (because in my head that is what I would be like if I hit the decks) but I made it through unscathed.

My last midwife appointment was on a Friday and I was 38+5 weeks pregnant. I made it in without falling on my bum and was given another clean bill of health. I was convinced the baby was going to be early, the midwife predicted the weight at 7lb 7oz and said she was on shift all weekend so she would be there if she did decide to arrive, the husband said I wasn’t allowed to go into labour on Saturday and make him miss the football, hahaha etc. A standard appointment.

Almost as soon as we got back home I began a cleaning mission unlike anything I have ever done before. Mainly because I don’t usually clean. That Sunday night the husband nagged at me to relax while I sat on the floor trying get around my bump to scrub underneath the fridge.

My kitchen looked bloody fantastic by the time I had finished (if only someone had looked under the fridge to admire all of my efforts) and finally satisfied I waddled off to have a bath. I swear the feeling you get after a good clean when nesting is one of the best you can get. That is why I am not simply being untidy now, I am saving all the cleaning for the next time I am hours away from giving birth because I know I will love it then. All that crap on the floor? That’s not mess, that’s forward planning.

The next morning, almost exactly 12 hours later, I was climbing back into the bath. Only this time when I looked down my stomach was what can only be described as disgusting, a saggy pouch of skin hanging limply where waist used to be. Oh, and it felt like someone had driven a truck into my bits. With all that, the second bath wasn’t quite as relaxing as the first but it meant that the midwifes would be able to leave and that I could have a wee without yelping in agony.

Yes, I had a wee in the bath. Shut up.

So there I was at the end of January; the baby was early, just as I had been convinced she would be. She was tiny weighing only 6lb 9oz, I cradled her and wondered what was going to happen next.

This Could Get Emotional

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New years eve is almost upon us and that calls for a night spent sobbing into a glass (bottle) of anything alcoholic left over from Christmas and wondering where the last twelve months have gone. It’s practically tradition right? So in honour of said tradition I am going to get all retrospective with a look back at the year that was over the next few days.

I am going to milk this for all it’s worth and drag the whole process out but in reality I can sum up the last year pretty quickly:
January: Had baby
February: Wondered how to look after baby
March: Wondered how to look after baby and self
April: Remembered I have a husband…need to factor in looking after him too
May: Give up looking after anyone/anything other than baby
June: Start blogging
July: Wonder how I am supposed to do EVERYTHING.
August…Actually, I can stop there. It’s all baby and blogging day in, day out…
December: Someone has stolen my baby and replaced her with a little girl. Also, blogging.

The last twelve months have been literally life changing for me, in so many ways. Things are still changing and I’m finally starting to see that as a good thing. I don’t like change but I think I’m slowly learning that dealing with it is a damn sight better than hugging my knees and chanting ‘I don’t like change’ over and over.

The biggest of all changes in 2011, and to be more dramatic, MY LIFE, was becoming a mummy. Unfortunately the slowest change is still happening; the one that means I actually feel like a mummy. But I’ll save that one for later.

So grab a cuppa while I recall my year in as interesting and as articulate fashion as I can manage while I’m really copping out a bit and buying time to catch up with everyone after a mini Christmas break.

My Little Big Girl

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Last Christmas I sat on my parents sofa, full from food and nearly eight months pregnant. As I held my two month old nephew I had braxton hicks and failed to comprehend that I had an actual baby in my belly, just like the one that I was holding.

Right now I’m sat on the same sofa while my nearly eleven month old baby sleeps upstairs. Since the Christmas songs started playing on the radio I’ve developed a terrible emotional streak. And it’s not just Christmas, a whole year has flown by and my baby is growing up.

Boos first Christmas is suddenly here, the presents are wrapped and I’m feeling all emotional. I’ve explained all about Father Christmas to her countless times only for her to frown back at me and grunt to tell me to sshh. Part of me wanted to leave a mince pie out before she went to bed, and I probably would have done had we been at home. Yes, I’m that mother.

Tomorrow morning she will wake up to presents that she doesn’t have a clue how to open or even that they are presents, but I’m still going to explain to her where they’re from for the hundredth time.

There have been odd moments where I have felt a lump in my throat, filled that strange mummy emotion that can’t be explained. The mix of pride and happiness at the new experiences and developments that the little person that I made is seeing, but with the added twinge of sadness that she’s growing up so quickly.

So tomorrow morning I will be telling a child who won’t understand for at least another two years about Father Christmas, helping her unwrap presents and sobbing into my cup of tea because she’s growing up and I’m finally starting to feel like a mummy after all this time.

Happy First Christmas Boo, my little big girl x

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The Universe In A Jar

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…well, not really but it looks like it right?

This Christmas is definitely a handmade one, with most people getting crafty treats as gifts. I’ve spent the last few weeks putting together a hamper full of various things (soap, candles, biscuits to name a few) but this jam is by far the biggest success story.

Buoyed from the simplicity of making some (delicious) raspberry jam I decided to have another go with some blueberries, only this time I thought ‘I wonder what would happen if I made the fruit sparkle first…?’

Here’s the recipe:

What you need:

500g blueberries

500g of sugar (course sugar is best so use granulated. Even better, use Jam Sugar which is cheaper and means that you don’t need to add pectin once the jam is cooked)

(If not using Jam Sugar you will also need some Certo or other liquid pectin)

Edible Glitter

Some sterilised glass jars and lids. (Having a baby means you have free jam supplies – I used sterilised baby food jars and made them look pretty by using some fabric to cover the lids)

What you do:

Crush or blend the fruit into a pulp (I used a blender to break down the blueberries because the skin is too bitty when mashed, but with soft fruits you can just use a potato masher to pulp).

Once pulped you can make it pretty! I used a shimmer spray to make my fruit glitter because that’s all I could get my hands on, edible glitter would be even better because it’s more sparkly and comes in so many different colours.

Put in a large heavy bottomed pan and gently warm.

When warm through add the sugar.

Stir continuously until the sugar has dissolved. This is basically as soon as it stops feeling grainy on the spoon, it takes about 5 minutes at a gentle heat.

Once all the sugar is dissolved add a small knob of butter, keep stirring and slowly increase the heat until you get a rolling boil – This is when the jam bubble up in the pan and can’t be stirred back down.

Stand back, set a timer and allow to boil for 4 minutes.

As soon as the 4 minutes are up, take the jam off the heat immediately and pour into warm jars to set.

(If you haven’t used Jam Sugar as soon as you take the jam off the heat you will need to stir in some pectin liquid to make the jam set before decanting into jars)

The jam should keep for ages, once opened it needs to be stored in the fridge and eaten within 3 weeks.

This jam is so easy to make and takes such little time. It’s so much more glittery than it looks in the photo too.

If you make your own sparkly jam let me know, I’d love to see!

What Rhymes With Christmas?

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A long time ago, one cold Christmas eve

An excited little girl tugged her mums sleeve

‘Has Santa been yet mummy?’ she demanded to know

‘And if I wish really hard can he make it snow?’

 

Her mum cuddled her close and took the little girl back to bed

‘Santa only comes when you’re sleeping, remember, I said’

‘So you snuggle in and he’ll come when he’s ready’

‘Be a good girl. Here’s your milk, here’s your teddy’.

 

The little girl squeezed her eyes closed

And dreamt dreams of reindeers, red-nosed.

Finally it is morning, well, nearly

‘Mummy he must have been now’ she declares austerely.

 

Outside the closed door to the living room the whole family stands

No one can go in until they’re all there, holding hands

Everyone gathers and the little girl can wait no more

With an excited squeal she bursts through the door

 

‘He’s been! He’s been!’ she cries with delight

The mince pie has been eaten, the carrot chewed in the night

‘That’s how we know he came’ they marvel at the empty plate

‘And he had some whiskey too, to wash down what he ate!’

 

Magic and excitement fill the air

The presents are spotted and little hands pull and tear

At paper and ribbons, eager to unwrap

Resulting in an amazing pile of new crap

 

The present piles dwindle and only stockings are left

As they all claw to the bottom they feel quite bereft

By the fruit that is found lurking in the toe

The one that doesn’t rhyme with anything, don’t pretend you don’t know!

 

The house is filled with laughter and playing

Although there is a brief interlude for praying

Because this little girl was brought up correctly

She had to go to church, bribes got her there directly

 

And the little girls most favourite present by miles?

The Minnie Mouse pyjamas definitely got the most smiles

This little girl clearly isn’t very demanding

Although as she grew her wants were expanding

 

Christmas day was filled with fun, food and holly

Chocolate and games and a new dolly

The little girl went to bed with a smile on her face

Wishing that every morning presents appeared by the fireplace

 

And now, years later, the little girls all grown up

Sitting by the fire she sips wine from a cup

Well, it is Christmas after all. Now she has a little girl of her own

She rubs her forehead and lets out a moan

 

As soon as Boo is big enough to understand

That child is going to demand and demand and demand

But Christmas is all about the magic, the spell

Wonder and fairy tales is it in a nutshell

 

So I’m starting this off with the best of plans

To try to stave off those demanding demands

She’ll be spoilt, that goes without saying

But now this little girl knows that Santa ain’t paying!

 

Boo will get bigger and start to understand

And I can’t wait for the magic to be planned

Weaving the spell with food left by the grate

I’ve been told Santa will be partial to cakes and a beer (or eight)

 

So a very happy Christmas to you lovely lot

Deny she’s excited this big little girl cannot

I hope you all have a magical time

…And that everything on my list will be mine!